What Do I Want?

As I grow older, I realize more and more that there's one thing I want in my life above all else: peace. Well, maybe two things, because I also really want Mexican food, but you know. Peace is what I crave most deeply. I want friendships that aren’t fragile. I want relationships that aren’t volatile. I want people in my life where the connection isn’t delicate, where it isn’t easily broken. I want trust and open communication. I want it all to be as comfortable as possible, like worn-in, cozy sweatpants that allow room for growth and grace, much like drawstrings do. I don’t want conflict with anyone. I don’t want bitterness, anger, or awkwardness when we see each other. I can’t handle any of that "are we speaking? Are we not speaking? Are we friends? Are we cool face-to-face, but behind my back you’re spitting fire and bringing my name down?" kind of drama. My plate is full. Motherhood is a mental workout all day, every day. Adulthood in general is pretty stressful with bills, work, deadlines, and all of that business. I don’t want any drama. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not even in tiny doses. None. If you throw it my way, I hate to disappoint you, but I won’t even attempt to catch it. I don’t want chaos, turmoil, or any of that. I don’t want gossip. I don’t want to hear secrets that may or may not even be true. I mean, I’ll keep your secrets for sure, but I’m just going to extend compassion and assume everybody is doing the best they possibly can. And I’m good on the tea. I don’t need any. I prefer that fizzy, flavored water stuff anyway. Maybe a Diet Dr. Pepper. I want peace. And I’ve learned that sometimes it’s not really about keeping the peace. It’s about creating peace. It’s about confronting things head-on. It’s about asking good questions. It’s about listening. It’s about keeping my ridiculous knee-jerk reactions to myself. It’s about refusing to brush the difficult stuff under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist until that rug becomes a mountain between me and my friend. It’s about talking things out and approaching every situation with kindness first. It’s about apologizing. It’s about maturity. It’s about boundaries and knowing that even when I give my best, not everyone will appreciate it, want it, or like it. It’s about loving them and letting them go from there. I know I’m a mess sometimes. I’m insecure and prideful, and I make so many mistakes. I’m so imperfect. I just… I dunno. I want peace. I want it to ooze out of me. I want it in me. I want it on me. I want it around me. I want it to come through me. No matter what anyone else is doing. I want peace. And tacos and stuff, obviously.